Why "I'm fine" isn't always fine: understanding and acknowledging our true feelings
We've all said it—"I'm fine." It's a phrase that can feel like an easy escape when we're feeling anything but fine. But why do we say it, and how can we start to get real with ourselves and others about what’s really going on?
It's a phrase that can feel like an easy escape when we're feeling anything but fine. But why do we say it, and how can we start to get real with ourselves and others about what’s really going on?
The Hidden Meaning Behind "I'm Fine"
Saying "I'm fine" when we’re not really fine, can be a way to deny painful feelings, avoid conflict, and pretend that everything is okay. It’s something many of us learn early on, especially if we grew up in environments where expressing our true feelings wasn’t safe or encouraged.
You might minimize your feelings or needs, afraid of conflict or rejection, because somewhere along the way, you learned to survive by keeping your true self hidden. Disconnecting from your feelings becomes second nature, a form of developmental trauma, making it hard to even recognize what’s wrong leading to that automatic, “I’m fine.”
Why We Avoid Painful Feelings
Sometimes we shield ourselves from painful emotions by telling ourselves (and others) that we’re fine. Many of us grew up in families where feelings like anger or sadness were discouraged or even punished. Over time, we learned to bury these emotions and cope with them in unhealthy ways—whether it’s food, alcohol, or some other way of numbing ourselves. After years of avoiding these feelings, we might not even know how we feel, or worse, be too afraid to look too closely.
It’s also possible that in childhood, you learned not to need anything. Maybe your needs were ignored or dismissed, and over time, you decided it was better not to ask for anything at all. If no one cares about your needs, why bother?
Avoiding Conflict by Pretending to Be Fine
"I’m fine" can also be a strategy to avoid conflict. We worry that expressing our true feelings will upset others or make us seem difficult. We don’t want to burden anyone, so we hide our needs, making ourselves appear easy-going when, in reality, we’re feeling quite the opposite. For some of us, past experiences with rejection or abandonment make us fear that being honest about our feelings might push people away.
Avoiding Our Problems
Another reason we pretend to be fine is to avoid dealing with problems. Admitting that we’re struggling can feel overwhelming because it forces us to acknowledge that we might need help. And let’s be honest, who likes feeling vulnerable? It’s easier to pretend everything is okay and avoid the potential shame or judgment that might come with sharing our struggles with others who might not hold our vulnerability with care.
However, avoidance only works in the short term. Eventually, we’ll need to confront our feelings and problems if we want to truly heal and grow. So, how do we start?
Steps to Start Acknowledging Our True Feelings
Awareness: Begin by noticing when you're avoiding or denying your feelings. Journaling is a great way to bring emotions to the surface. Try naming your feelings and acknowledge when you feel the resistance or need to push them away.
Non-judgement: Be kind to yourself. Easily said but not so easily done. If a friend came to you feeling the same way, would you judge them? Probably not. Practicing non-judgement in these moments can be a helpful step towards self-compassion.
Curiosity: Ask yourself what your feelings are trying to tell you. What can you learn from them? Where do you feel these emotions in your body? If these feelings could speak, what would they say?
Find a Safe Person: Is there someone in your life you can be honest with? A person who won’t judge you or expect you to be "fine"? Sharing how you truly feel with a trusted person can be healing.
Self-Compassion: Imagine being your own best friend. It’s not easy, but even a moment of self-kindness can change the way we treat ourselves. This can become a life-long practice—starting with just one moment of self-compassion.
Remember, You’re Not Alone: Everyone struggles, and it’s not always our fault. While we can’t change some of our circumstances, we can change how we respond to them. We can learn to set boundaries, remove ourselves from harmful situations, and regulate our nervous systems to find calm amidst the chaos.
Everything Is a Practice—There’s No Perfect
It’s okay to be imperfect. In fact, it’s better to embrace the messiness of being human than to pretend everything is fine when it’s not. Here’s a little exercise to help you start getting real with your feelings:
Let's Try:
- Ask yourself, "Am I really fine?"
- What’s behind the word “fine”? Are there emotions or thoughts hiding under the surface?
- Name those feelings.
- Write down or say out loud how you’re feeling—no matter how messy it seems.
- Where do you feel these emotions in your body? Tension in your shoulders? A knot in your stomach?
- Practice self-compassion. Imagine holding space for these feelings without judgment.
- Take a few slow, deep breaths, feeling your belly rise and fall.
- How do you feel now?
Conclusion: Embrace Your Feelings
The next time you’re tempted to say I’m fine, taka a pause, reflect, and ask yourself how you really feel. Remember, the goal isn’t to have it all figured out. It’s to be present with yourself, even in the discomfort. Because "I’m fine" is not where healing happens—being real is.