Parental Alienation: Holding onto Hope
Parental alienation is one of the most devastating experiences a parent can go through.
Staying Regulated Through Loss, Anger, and Grief
Parental alienation is one of the most devastating experiences a parent and child can go through. The feeling of being rejected by your own child, especially when you know that their perception of you has been shaped by another’s influence, can feel unbearable. The grief, anger, and helplessness that come with this situation can be overwhelming, yet how you manage your emotions is crucial, not just for your own well-being, but for your child’s future ability to have a healthy relationship with both parents.
Regulating Yourself Through the Pain
First, let’s acknowledge the depth of pain this brings. The loss of an active, loving relationship with your child is a profound kind of grief, made even more difficult by the fact that it is ambiguous: you haven’t lost them completely, but they feel unreachable. You know they are there, but you cannot reach them.
This can trigger intense emotions: rage at the other parent, despair, and even shame. Left unchecked, these emotions can consume you or spill out in ways that reinforce the alienation, creating more distance between you and your child.
So, how do you stay regulated? Firstly, let’s acknowledge this is not easy, but as with most things, time and practice are essential. Self-compassion for your own pain is necessary and this can require support from a trained professional. However, there are some things we can do to help with self-regulation:
- Breathwork and Grounding Practices – When faced with distressing interactions or thoughts, simple breathwork techniques can keep you anchored. Slow, deep breathing can help calm your nervous system and prevent reactive responses.
- Seeking Support – Therapy, support groups, or even trusted friends who understand what you’re going through provide essential validation and perspective. Isolation only deepens the pain and adds to the shame so often felt by parents living without their child.
- Reframing and Acceptance – Certainly this is not easy but you cannot control the other parent’s behaviour, and you cannot force your child to see things differently overnight. What you can control is how you show up; grounded, patient, and consistently open.
- Channelling Anger Constructively – Anger is a natural response to injustice, but it needs an outlet. Physical exercise, journaling, and sometimes advocacy work can help process the anger without letting it take over. Remember anger is a valid and justified emotive response when there has been unfairness and injustice.
Prioritising Your Child’s Well-being (Even When They Reject You)
This is perhaps the hardest part: continuing to act in your child’s best interests even when they are pushing you away.
Children caught in alienation dynamics are often navigating deep internal conflict. They may have aligned with one parent because it feels safer than conflict or being viewed as disloyal, or because they’ve been emotionally manipulated. Reacting with anger, blame, or desperation can confirm their distorted beliefs about you. Instead, prioritise:
- Consistency Over Persuasion – Rather than trying to convince your child that they are being alienated, focus on showing up with stability and love whenever possible. Keep communications open, even if they don’t respond.
- Empathy for Their Experience – However painful it is to be rejected, try to see things from their perspective. What pressures are they under? What fears might they have about showing affection towards you?
- Avoiding Retaliation or Competition – Speaking negatively about the other parent, even if they do it to you, only fuels the cycle. Children shouldn’t feel they have to choose sides.
- Leaving the Door Open – Even if your child is distant now, one day they may question the narrative they’ve been given. They need to know you are still there.
How Cognitive Dissonance Affects a Child in Parental Alienation
Cognitive dissonance occurs when a person holds conflicting beliefs or experiences information that contradicts what they have been taught to believe. In the context of parental alienation, cognitive dissonance can be particularly harmful to a child’s perception of reality, relationships, and even their own sense of self.
Conflicting Views of a Parent
If a child has had loving experiences with an alienated parent but is being told that this parent is bad, dangerous, or unworthy, they experience psychological tension. Their lived experiences and what they are being told don’t align.
To resolve this discomfort, they may unconsciously begin to align their beliefs with the parent they are dependent on (often the alienating parent) and rewrite their own memories to reduce the internal conflict.
Emotional Manipulation and Survival
Children rely on their primary caregivers for emotional and physical security. If they sense that siding with one parent over the other ensures their safety or emotional stability, they may suppress positive feelings for the alienated parent to avoid distress.
This self-protective mechanism leads them to reject the alienated parent, not necessarily because they truly believe they should, but because doing so helps reduce the discomfort of cognitive dissonance which creates feelings of anxiety, overwhelm and emotional pain. It is not their fault that they seek to relieve this pain by adopting coping strategies of rejection. Their nervous system is helping them to survive immense dysregulation. This can be very hard to accept, but keep reminding yourself that this is just for now, and let your awareness inform you for your own, and your child’s wellbeing.
Erosion of Trust in Their Own Perceptions
Being taught that their own experiences are wrong or untrustworthy can damage a child’s ability to trust their own feelings and intuition.
Over time, this can lead to struggles with self-esteem, identity confusion, and difficulties forming healthy relationships as they grow older.
Splitting and Black-and-White Thinking
Cognitive dissonance can lead to a coping mechanism called splitting, where a child sees one parent as all good and the other as all bad. This black-and-white thinking is an attempt to resolve the internal tension caused by conflicting messages. In adulthood, this pattern can manifest in struggles with relationships, difficulty handling nuance in situations, and challenges with emotional regulation.
Helping a Child Navigate Cognitive Dissonance
- Stay Consistently Loving – Even when rejected, maintaining a calm, loving presence can serve as an anchor for the child to return to when they’re ready.
- Encourage Critical Thinking – Without pushing, helping the child develop the ability to question and analyse situations can aid in breaking through the dissonance over time.
- Provide a Safe Space for Emotional Complexity – If and when a child starts to show signs of internal conflict, reassure them that it’s okay to hold different feelings at the same time.
- Support Their Autonomy – Allowing them to come to their own conclusions rather than forcing them to see the alienation can help preserve their sense of agency and reduce resistance.
Cognitive dissonance is a powerful force, but with patience, consistency, and a non-reactive approach, a child’s perception can eventually shift toward a more balanced and authentic view of their relationships.
When There is Abuse, Not Just Alienation
It goes without saying that in cases where one parent has been abusive, the priority is ensuring the child’s safety, not ensuring that both parents have access at all costs.
While navigating the legal system, it is crucial to:
- Document all interactions meticulously.
- Work with professionals who understand trauma and coercive control.
- Prioritise the child’s emotional and physical well-being above legal battles.
- Seek legal advice from those experienced in complex custody cases.
Holding Onto Hope
Parental alienation can feel endless, but situations do shift. Children grow, their perspectives change, and they may one day seek the truth. In the meantime, your role is to stay steady, emotionally available, and well-regulated, so that if and when they return, they find a parent who is ready to reconnect, not one who has been consumed by the pain of the past.
You are not powerless. Your presence, patience, and self-regulation matter more than it may seem right now. Keep going. And reach out if you need support. You are not alone.